Some Pig

De Gustibus Non Disputandem

I am making my girls waffles as part of a "breakfast for dinner" menu (which, by the way, qualifies me for rock-star status in their eyes.  All those nights of fretting about providing a square meal with vegetables and stuff?  I coulda given them cereal and a multivitamin and told them it was a super-special treat.  Bah!).  As I peek at the waffle turning a crisp golden brown, the thought crosses my mind:

People actually put chicken and gravy on waffles.  Chicken!  And gravy!  On waffles! That's just ... WEIRD!

Then it occurs to me that, as a resident of a region of the country known for salt-and-vinegar potato chips, ketchup on scrambled eggs and grape-nuts pudding, perhaps I shouldn't be pointing fingers.  Now I want to know, what's the weirdest foods or food combinations offered in your neck of the woods?

Wit and Wisdom, Four-Year-Old Style UPDATED

My elder daughter is developing her own, um, interesting sense of humor.  The following are examples of jokes she finds highly risible.

The first category I call "So's Your Momma."  For some unfathomable reason, India's jokes consist primarily of maternally-based humor. Basically, she thinks using the word "Mommy" makes any joke a slam-dunk howler:

"Knock, knock!"  "Who's there?"  "MOMMY!"  (Giggle madly for two minutes following the punchline.)

[Sings] "A, B, C, D, E, F - MOMMIES!"

"Mommy, where's your mommy?" (Asked at my parents' house.)  Upon being alerted to the presence of my mother, she responds, "That's not your mommy!  THAT IS!" (Points at Celeste and laughs riotously.)

"Why do the mommies go to the mommies?"  (Truly Zen-like in its inscrutiability.)

A variant: "Knock, knock, who's there, Mommy in her underwear!"

Another favorite activity is a form of short-attention-span theater:

"Mumma, I'm going to tell you a story.  Once upon a time, I went to the bathroom.  Oof!  The end!" (Repeat periodically for the duration of a two-hour car ride.  Laugh uncontrollably every time.  Vary the "oof!" interjection for maximum hilarity, as in:  "Once upon a time, I went to the bathroom.  The end.  Oof!" and, "Once upon a time, I went to the, oof! bathroom, the end!")

I see the prospects of her career as a Borscht-Belt comedienne fading by the moment.

UPDATE:  Herself has invented a new joke, with the help of her preschool classmates:

"The elephant sneezed, and fell on his poopoo!"

We have discovered scatalogical humor, in a BIG way.

Ten to One

I'm tired, I'm cranky, I feel fat, the kids are whining, the sink is full of dirty dishes and the cat puked on the rug again - what better time to start a blog post?  To top it off, I've just tagged myself for a meme I stole borrowed from Crazylainetrain since no one EVER seems to tag me because clearly I am not one of the "in" bloggers and - oops, did I mention I'm cranky?  Anyway, here goes:

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:

10.  Sarah Palin, if you friggin' wink at me one more time when you're supposedly proving your fitness to be second in line for the most important job in the free world, well, you and I are going to throw down, sista, and it ain't gonna be pretty!  And by the way, I live on the East Coast!  And I don't like you any more than you like me!  So there!!

9.  Next time you embarrass me in public, India, I'm leaving you in the Goodwill drop box and don't you think I won't!

8.  You know something, Mrs. Jones, I know we have to have these 504 meetings to discuss your son's learning issues once a year.  Just this once, however, could we skip the hour-long monologue that encompasses your son's entire academic history going back to the first grade and just cut to the chase, which is about what we need to do *this year*?

7.  And while I'm at it, you should know that your son doesn't really have any major "learning issues," certainly none that require accommodations.  I hate to be the one to break it to you, but your son earns mediocre grades because he's not that bright.

6.  P.S.The other reason why your son doesn't do well in school is because he's sick and tired of you being all up in his grill all the time, so every time he sees you getting geared up to fly in and "fix" everything, he just stops working.  You know, I've had two kids myself, and my recollection is that they cut that cord right away.

5.  Oh, I dunno - hot seaweed wrap, salt scrub, hot stone massage - it's so hard to choose; I'll just try 'em all!

4.  Yeah, I think two carats is just the right size for an engagement ring upgrade, too!

3.  Do you have this in a size 4?  My size 6's are getting way too loose.

2.  You're tired and you want to go to bed early tonight?  Well, okay, but just this once!

1.  Another frozen daquiri, please, and keep 'em coming.

Nine Things About Me That I Haven't Blogged About Yet (I Think)

9.  When I was a senior in college, I had an asymmetrical hair cut.  It was truly awful.  I claim temporary insanity - it was 1988, after all.

8.  I am inordinately proud of the fact that I can grow long nails without having to resort to tacky acrylics.

7.  I often think longingly about going platinum blonde, but am too chicken to do it.

6.  I used to be a redhead, but I was so lazy I couldn't be bothered to keep up with the roots (hence the lack of follow-through with #7).

5.  I took my driver's test in the wintertime, which isn't that notable, except that a big highway plow went right by me when I was parallel parking and I didn't even notice.  Not a good sign, huh?

4.  When I was little I slammed my hand in the car door trying to make sure the seat belt didn't fall out of the car and get caught in the door latch mechanism.  Which it didn't - but my fingers sure did!

3.  Speaking of car-related disasters, when I was in elementary school, I fell out of a moving car.  Fortunately we were going very slowly, and I just got scraped up really badly.  Until I wrote this, I didn't realize how bad that could've been!

2.  I am named after both of my great-grandmothers.

1.  My nickname when I was little was Caroliney Rosey Posey Piddle Widdle.  I'm not sure, but I *may* have been a late toilet-trainer.

Eight Ways to Win My Friendship/Heart:

8.  Whoopie pies!  Nothing says, "I'd like you to be my friend," like two chocolaty cakes surrounding a whipped icing center.  Mmmm, icing....

7.  Did I mention diamonds?

6.  Sit next to me in any kind of mandatory faculty gathering and say snarky things.  I will heart u for life!

5. Say "I yuv yoo Mumma" in your cute little two-year-old voice (only works if you're Celeste, however).

4.  Talk like the Swedish Chef, or like a pirate on Talk Like a Pirate Day.  In public.

3.  Let me sleep in late.

2.  Make lunches for the girls - boy, do I hate having to make three lunches a day, every day, day in and day out, over and over and over and over....

1.  "Honey, why don't go lie down on the couch for awhile with your new book?  I know you've been really busy this week.  You deserve a break."

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

7. Why do I have to have stomach fat?  I mean, if I'm going to chub up, why can't it be someplace that could stand being chubbier, like my boobs?

6.  I remember when I was thrilled to have correcting to do ... but student teaching was only eight weeks long, not forty.

5.  I need to create a clone of myself whose sole purpose for being would be to correct papers and make parent phone calls.  And perhaps make the girls' lunches.

4.  How on earth am I going to teach [name topic here] so the kids don't totally hate it?

3.  Is there any chocolate in the break room?

2.  Now where exactly are my car keys, again?

1.  I want to win $5 million dollars in the lottery - enough for my husband to stay home and play househusband, which he would really enjoy, but not enough that I would feel compelled to quit my job too, which I really enjoy.  Then he could spend his day planning nutritious meals, ferrying various kids to various places, puttering around the house, and tending to our finances while I keep us in health insurance and retirement funds.  Everyone wins!

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep

6.  Brush my teeth.

5.  Take off my eye makeup.

4.  Wash my face.

3.  Pee.

2.  Put on jammies.

1.  Contemplate reading a book or magazine for the approximately 3.2 seconds it takes between the time I crawl into bed and the time I fall asleep.

Five People (Aside From The Obvious Ones) Who Mean a Lot:

5.  Toasty

4. 3. 2. and 1.  My friends from high school with whom I'm still friends (in alpha order) Amy, Cathy, Donna, Elaine.

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now

4.  My glasses (dorkenheimer specials)

3.  Fleece pants covered with feathers from the girls' dress-up feather boas that shed like sumbitches.

2.  A stained fleece, and

1.  A rust-colored turtleneck with a bleach stain on the sleeve.  Mmm, fancy!

Three Songs I've Been Listening To Lately

3.  Katie Perry, "I Kissed A Girl" - which is a rockin' song, but I tend to sing whatever I last heard on the car radio all day long at school, and when you teach middle school that just AIN'T APPROPRIATE!

2.  Kanye West, "Stronger" - "That, that, that which don't kill me/can only make me stronger/I need you to hurry up now/cuz I can't wait much longer" - a line that is almost as good as:  "You know how long I been on ya?/Since Prince been on Appolonia/Since O.J. has Isotoners" - the man is stone genius!

1.  House of Pain, "Jump" - I dunno, after a million repetitions on Wiggles and Dan Zanes, I need something LOUD.  And FIERCE. 

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die

Mmmph.  This is hard.

2.  Take my girls traveling to all the places I've been and the many more places I'd like to go.

1.  Dress up all glamorous and go out somewhere fancy and important, like a White House reception.  And the French ambassador would see me and be all, "Mais oui!  Madame, vous etes un hot potato!  Je suis enchantee!  Magnifique!"  And he'd bow down low over my hand before raising it to his mouth for a kiss, as I haughtily (yet alluringly) say, "Sir!  Please! I am a married woman!" before turning on my heel and swanning off to be swept up in a conversation about how best to resolve the international banking crisis while - oops, I think I digressed there a bit.

One Confession

Sometimes I deliberately pretend I can't hear the girls when they're downstairs in the basement playroom and they want me to come down with them.  Does that make me a bad person?  I can live with that.

A Little Greyer

If you're alive enough to be fogging up a mirror, you know that Paul Newman died this weekend.

I can't claim to be Newman's greatest fan (tho' I do loves me his Fig Newmans!), but I became very fond of him after I heard this anecdote.  So here is my Paul Newman story.  Be forewarned:  It's not much - but sometimes it's the little things that you remember.

I went to UConn for grad school, not far from one of Newman's Hole In The Wall Gang summer camps.  These camps are one of his many charities, and they offer camping to children who are critically ill.  I think, if my memory isn't too faulty, that this campus also offered outdoor ed to disadvantaged kids (e.g., Hartford inner city) of any ilk, but I could be wrong.  Anyroad, the camp offered more than just capture-the-flag and s'mores.  Their nature-based curriculum was extensive, to the point where the camp had a placement for a student teacher in the sciences to do experiential stuff with kids who probably hadn't ever seen anything more nature-based than dandelions in the cracks of the sidewalks.

We were trading war stories about student teaching one night, as new teachers are wont to do.  The kid placed at the camp (yeah, kid - maybe 22 years old?) told us that as he was in the middle of opening a lesson, Newman himself wandered in and sat down.  Everyone introduced themselves, and he said, "Hey, I'm Paul" - no "Mr. Newman," no attempt to raise the fact that he was the one paying for all these kids to have this experience, just a guy hanging out with a bunch of kids.  Naturally, the student teacher totally lost his shit and needed a moment to get it back together, but the kids didn't bat their collective eye.  They had no idea that they were sitting in a room with one of the biggest celebrities in the history of movies, and Newman didn't let on.  So the poor sod (the student teacher, that is, not Paul Newman) struggled through his lesson somehow (probably with a little voice in his head screaming PAUL NEWMAN!!!  I'M SITTING IN A ROOM WITH PAUL NEWMAN AND I'M TEACHING A CLASS!!  WITH PAUL NEWMAN!  RIGHT THERE!!!  PAUL NEWMAN!!!!).  At the end, Newman walked by, caught his eye, and said something along the lines of, "Good lesson, thanks!"  That may not seem like much, but Newman didn't have to stay for the whole thing, and didn't have to go out of his way to say something reassuring to the nervous young man at the head of the classroom.  From everything I've read, this is just the way Newman was - nice, kind, considerate, and low-key.  Now compare that to the asshats you read about in the supermarket rags who moan about how hard stardom is and how no one understands and you see what a rare quality that kind of class can be.

The world's a little greyer without those famous blue eyes in them.

Still The Fastest Gun In The East

Today I got to use my guaranteed, sure-fire hole-in-one.

Every year, just as sure as God made little green apples, some smart-alecky boy in my class tries to get a laugh by claiming sexual harassment.  "Did you see that, Mrs. S.?" he'll cry, "So-and-so touched me (said something to me/winked at me/etc.)!" Then, after making sure everyone's listening, he offers what he thinks is going to be the coup de grace:  "That's SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

Upon which I reply, without skipping a beat or even looking up from my desk, "Yeah, but you're not sexy, so don't worry about it."

With one sentence, the kid who was trying to hog the limelight a moment ago becomes the kid trying to slink off without calling any more attention to himself.  If he (and it's always a he) was just kidding, I look up and give him a wink, or I catch him later on and give him the "I only tease kids I like" speech. If he was being a royally disruptive PIA, I give him the Icy Stare of Death until he subsides into his seat.  Either way, you know what DOESN'T ever happen again?  Yeah.  No one brings up sexual harassment anymore, that's for sure!

Ancient History

Here's a humorous anecdote for you to start your week!  I'm in the middle of telling my eighth grade US History class why the story of Plymouth Rock is a load of bushwa - really!  The Pilgrims didn't land on no stinkin' rock, yo.  They sailed into a sheltered, um, something or other - cove?  inlet? - and anchored there, then rowed their shallops in and waded ashore.  (They also lived aboard the Mayflower from September to December, which can't have been any fun, but that is irrelevant to our discussion here.)  Anyhoo, I'm acting out being a Pilgrim wading ashore (because active learning is what I'm all about) and a little voice pipes up from the back of the room:  "How do you know all this?"

And just as the cries of, "Because she's smart!" "Because she's the teacher!" "Duh!" die down, another little voice says from the back of the room, clearly not intending for my ears to catch it, "Because she was there."  I glance up and see a little scholar with look of sheer, unadulterated terror on his mug - right before I laugh hysterically.  You could FEEL his sigh of relief gust across the room when he realized I wasn't going to rip him a new one.

I still giggle when I think about it.  So much for my self-image as the cool, hip, with-it, in-the-know kinda teacher.  Next you'll be telling me they don't say "izzle" anymore.  Fo' rizzle?  Shizzle!

****************
On a related note, I'm taking a little survey. 

If you got a call on a lovely September Saturday afternoon from your kid's US History teacher to talk about an issue that came up while she was grading your kid's paper, would your reaction be:

a) how nice!  That teacher is really taking an interest in my kid! Or;

b) what kind of pathetic person calls my house on a SATURDAY to complain about my kid???? I bet she's one of those crazy old-maid cat-person teachers.

Just curious!

Don't Hassel Cassel

For all you haters and Belichick-beraters who rejoiced when Tom Terrific took an ill-fated chop to the knees?  Because you figured the Patriots were a one-trick pony and St. Bill of the Hoodie was a creation of the news media who was starting to believe his own press releases?  And you thought once they lost their marquee player, they'd roll over and let the rest of the AFC East tap dance on their silver helmets with that weird comet-cum-Minuteman thingie on it?

They won today!  Without Brady!  Against the Jets, Mangenius and Favre!  On Cassel's first start!  Whoot, whoot!

[Commence awkward, jerky attempt at an end-line victory dance that just proves for the record that unathletic, short, middle-aged women shouldn't attempt such things.]

Ya know, I bet in a strange way, Bill's enjoying himself.  After all, there's nothing our Little Mr. Sunshine likes better than sticking a thumb in the eye of popular perception.  Once again, he gets to be exactly where he likes to be - battling to get out from under a huge disadvantage, looking to make gold out of the proverbial straw.  Can't you see the gleam of joy in his eye?  Look, you can see it for yourself:

 

What's that you say?  You can't see anything any different from any other game day?  Huh.  Must be 'cuz you don't know Bill (he lets me call him Bill, BTW) as well as I do.  Trust me, it's there.

This. Is. An. Outrage. (Updated)

If you haven't seen this yet, you should.  Everyone should.  And then we should ask ourselves, are these the "values" we want our elected leadership to reflect?  Because this was dreamed up by people who belong to the very same demographic that has been "energized" and "revitalized" by that paragon of foreign policy experience, Sarah Palin.  I certainly hope the mainstream media covers this with at least the same intensity and for the same duration as they did the non-event that occurred when Obama used the "lipstick on a pig" expression. 

I used to admire John McCain as a public servant who actually possessed an internal compass of some sort.  And while he certainly isn't responsible for this travesty, it definitely reflects extremely poorly on him, if only by association.

This is a sad, sad day for our nation as a civilized society.

*********

And if that isn't enough, here's a joke for you:

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney?

Lipstick.

What's At Stake

As an amateur historian, I'm always looking for historical patterns in current events.  As such, I do not necessarily see this election in the terms that the differing campaigns would have us view it.  This election is not really about 'change' vs. status quo, nor about 'why Washington doesn't work' or who's really a patriot or any of the other arglebargle they use to package the campaigns so that we hoi polloi will choose one side over the other.  No, this election is about direction - in which direction do we, as a nation, want to go?  Do we want to be forward-looking or past-looking?  Are we attempting to reclaim our putative glory days, or adjust to a world in which much has changed?

You can't study world history without noticing that the human race tends toward empire-building.  Whether it's ancient Sumer or the Anazasi, we seem to have a built-in tendency, collectively, to want to accrue power, solidify borders, and control resources.  That's an observation, not a value judgement; without doing those three things, we might not have survived for very long as a life form.  So we create empires.  Furthermore, empires are a life form, and as such they have a natural life span of their own.  That follows a fairly predictable pattern, too:  A new power arises, because of superior resources, or technology, or leadership, or population.  That power challenges the established order, either internally (as in the Chinese empires) or externally (Carthage v. Rome).  The new order is better able to take advantage of circumstances, more willing to change and be flexible, better able to capitalize on events and resources, more efficiently and effectively governed.  The new order takes over, asserting dominion over the geography and population of the former power.  What's important to note here is that empires need to grow and change continuously or they become sclerotic and diseased, often felled as much by decay from within as threats from without.

The empire I know best (mostly because I suffered through four years of high school Latin) is the Romans - you know, as in "Latin is a language/As dead as it can be,/It killed off all the Romans/and now it's killing me"?  Let's look at what happened to that empire.  This is a gross oversimplification of an incredibly complex topic, but here's what happened:

• The empire pushed itself to its physical limits in its quest for ever more geographic resources (farmland, territory, etc.) in its quest to maintain the functioning of the central city.
• The ruling class, alternatively in fear of their lives from the various lunatics in change and desirous of grabbing a chunk of the good lives for themselves, didn't govern effectively, but instead settled for taxing an ever-growing underclass with ever-shrinking resources at an ever-higher rate while they argued incessantly about largely irrelevant cultural issues.
• Maintenance of the famed infrastructure (roads, aqueducts, sewers) was allowed to fall by the wayside as the emperor's pet projects took precedence over boring things like providing water.
• Society grew increasingly dependent upon immigrants to supply necessary labor, even as they distrusted and feared their influence on Roman society and tried to limit their rights.
• Rulers relied more and more on sheer military might to maintain and enforce control over the borderlands, something they could not continue to do indefinitely.

I could go on, but you get the idea.  Now let's turn to the good ole US of A.  We are, whether we're willing to admit it or not, an empire.  Oh, sure, we don't attempt to control other lands outright, but in terms of our influence on the world's political process and economic well-being, and our sway over international pop culture and intellectual discourse, we are every bit as dominant in our day as Rome was in hers.  And, quite frankly, that influence and domination is under attack from forces both outside and within our control.  Here's how I see it:

• As with ancient Rome, we rely on outsiders to do more and more and more of the work that allows us to function from day to day.  As we become more reliant on them for their effort, they become less reliant on us and more skilled and able to do for themselves.  Look at China.  Look at India.
• Just as Rome relied on the breadbaskets of Spain and France to function, we rely on the oil deposits of Saudi Arabia and other oil-rich nations.  That dependence, as Rome should teach us, renders us vulnerable to forces - and governments - outside our control.  With America crying for oil, do you think Russia gives a damn about what we want anymore?
• Infrastructure, infrastructure, infrastructure.  Romans had running water.  Romans had FLUSH TOILETS.  When Rome fell, we lost that technology - lost it! - for the better part of a thousand years.  Do you know how often humans create and then LOSE technological savvy?  Never has that happened at any other point in our history.  Now go to any Asian country.  Oh, sure, you can still find peasants working in rice paddies with water buffalo the way their ancestors did in 832 A.D. - but you get to them by high-speed train.  When was the last time our nation invested in a country-wide upgrade to our transportation system that didn't involve roads and cars?
• Money is the lifeblood of a modern nation, just as it was in ancient Rome, and as such, it shows the signs of illness and health early on. Ancient Rome struggled with its monetary supply. As coins were increasingly taken out of circulation by the upper classes, Rome had to go farther and farther afield to find sources of precious metals and tax revenues. When Jay-Z flashed those euros in his video in preference to tha Benjamins, that should've been a signal to every person in America that something's not healthy in our body politic.

Given the increasing speed at which our world moves, it's not surprising that the Roman empire lasted for the better part of 500 years before declining, and our empire has lasted just over fifty (so far) and is now in serious doubt. When I add all this up, I see a once-strong nation - a modern empire - that is in decline.  You can argue that that's actually a good thing, but that's a topic for another day.  My point here (and I don't mean just the one on top of my head) is that we stand at a crossroads.  We can either continue to look backwards for guidance on how to adjust to these new realities, or we can look ahead.  I say that the philosophy of governance we've been following from just after WWII to today worked for its time, but isn't sufficient to address our needs anymore.  Realities have changed.  The costs and availability of resources have changed.  The educational, social, and aspirational gap between us and other cultures has narrowed.  We can continue to lead - and be led - by an outdated model, or we can join the rest of the world and acknowledge that this model doesn't work anymore. 

The idea of America as a cultural juggernaut backed up by insuperable military might is no longer accurate.  Look at what's going on in the rest of the world: Great swathes of the world don't need us to function anymore.  They are educating their own people, building their own infrastructures, raising their own standards of living, and with the exception of the Wal-Martification of China, they are doing it mostly without relying on us to make it happen.  When we discovered we had damned few Arabic speakers in our government because language education wasn't a priority, that should've been a wake-up call.  When New Orleans drowned after Katrina, that should've been a wake-up call.  When that bridge fell down and went 'boom' in Minnesota, that should've been a wake-up call.  Hell, every gloom-and-doom report from the past thirty years outlining in excruciating detail just how far behind the rest of the developed world we lag in our educational attainment should've been a wake-up call, but apparently we don't want to listen! 

So let me say this at least one more time before we go to the polls:  The model that we have, people, isn't working.  The idea that markets will take care of everything, that allowing the ultra-wealthy to duck out of the tax code, that showing force on the world stage will lead others to do our bidding?  That idea has been proven wrong, over and over and over again.  Do I think that the two parties that we have offer two truly divergent points of view?  Well, no.  The parties are very close in many ways, and they reflect the overall conservatism of our country.  (Do you think we have screaming liberal whackos in our country?  Go to Europe and spend five minutes talking to one of their left-wingers.  Our liberals look like Richard Milhouse Nixon in comparison.)  But there are enough differences that they are significant.  And the significance, this year, rests in which world you think we live in.  If you think we still live in a world in which America has unquestionable influence in world events and is able to continue raising the standard of living for its citizens without necessitating significant changes in its tax code, health care system, or educational offerings, then by all means, vote for McCain.  If you think the biggest challenge facing us today is whether or not kids learn about monkeys or angels in science class, what women do with their bodies, and the wealthy classes not having enough money to buy more and thus create demand for goods, please, vote Republican.  Right after that, take your money and invest it in a colosseum, so that you can make money off all the people coming to watch the gladiator fights to take their minds off their problems.  On the other hand, if you have the slightest concern, even the faintest gnawing wonder, about what role America is going to choose to play in a world where the terms of the game are changing, where investment in knowledge and human capital is going to trump investments in machinery, where continued reliance on fossil fuels opens the door to giving despots and dictators influence on the world stage, well, then, I think you know what I'm going to say.

It Makes As Much Sense As Any Other Creation Story, Doesn't It?

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